My Acting Script for Annoying Parents

 10 Habits of Highly Annoying Parents

Source: http://suburbanturmoil.com/the-25-habits-of-highly-annoying-parents/2013/10/29/#prettyphoto[13265]/1/

Legend:

Bold= Emphasized words

Italics= Sarcastic tone 

Blue highlight= Forte 

Yellow highlight=  Soprano 

Purple highlight= Phrasing

Green highlight= Crescendo

Red highlight= Diminuendo 

Orange highlight= Adagio 

Scene 1

Narrator: Never take your crying kid out of the theatre during a movie or performance. Everyone in the audience was a baby once. They’ll totally understand.

(Mom and son sitting on two chairs and pretending to look up. Mom holding a paper bag and pretending to eat popcorn, while child starts crying)

Son: Waaahaha waaaahh!

(Mom ruffles son’s hair while two other people sitting on chairs behind roll eyes at the family)

Scene 2

Narrator: Always be late to pick up your child from sports practice. Coaches love spending extra time with your kid.

(Son poking male coach repeatedly in different places and giving wet willies)

Son: Coach, coach! Do you wanna build a snowmaaaaaan?

(Enter mom running onto stage and wiping forehead with relief after seeing son)

Mom: [To coach] Isn’t my son a gem!

Scene 3

Narrator: Let your toddler climb the stairs all by himself in crowded public places. Loudly cheer him on with phrases like…

(Enter son and father. Son climbing up black boxes very slowly and clumsily)

Dad: You can do it, widdle man! Only 10 steps to go!

Narrator: …and as the crowd of stair climbers forms behind you, look back at them and smile as if they all think watching your son climb steps is the cutest thing they’ve ever seen. (While narrating this section, enter 3 people waiting to use the stairs, Dad smiles at them and places both palms on his heart)

Scene 4

Narrator: If your baby poops during a party at a friend’s house…

(Enter guests, jazz music playing. Mom holding baby doll pretending to be daughter, when all of a sudden it starts to smell. Mom wipes air near nose to indicate this).

Narrator: (Mom glances at fancy lady while placing finger on chin) …don’t bother the host by asking where you should put the dirty diaper.

Narrator: Just throw it in the guest bathroom trashcan- or better yet, stash it in the  kitchen trashcan instead. It’s bigger.

(Mom takes fake diaper off baby doll and walks slowly on her tiptoes towards the kitchen. Mom throws diaper into dustbin)

Scene 5

Narrator: Dress like your teenage daughter. Flirt with her boyfriends. Oh and if you’re her father, this will be even more effective.

(Enter daughter with boyfriend casually conversing. Enter Dad, cat walking in stiletto heels with a pink skater skirt and tank top along with sunglasses. Daughter and boyfriend stare at Dad)

Dad: Ciao! (Wave) OMG, you must be Stella’s boyfriend! (Mini jump)

Boyfriend: Nice to meet you?

Dad: Well, I’m no photographer, but I can picture you and me together (slides sunglasses down to double wink).

Scene 6

Narrator: Bring your cranky toddler to a romantic, high-end restaurant. Get huffy if they don’t have highchairs or a kids’ menu.

(Enter mother and daughter into restaurant. Waiters roaming around with fancy glasses. One other couple on a date)

Mom: Waiter, waiter! I need a highchair for my baby.

(Waiter looks at baby up and down)

Waiter: Sorry Ma’am, this is supposed to be a romantic restaurant…you know, for grown-ups.

Mom: Uggghhhh, what a sassy bitch.

Scene 7

Narrator: If you happen to see your child hitting or biting another kid on the playground…

(Enter two children. ‘Another kid’ bouncing a basketball and having fun. Son enters and swoops the ball away).

Another Kid: Hey, I was playing with that!

Son: You snooze you lose.

Another Kid: I wasn't snoozing! Clearly your glasses aren’t too effective.

Son: Don't insult Armani!

(Son throws basketball away and starts punching ‘another kid’ in the stomach. ‘Another kid’ tries defending his face and whimpers. Son fake bites ‘another kid’s’ shoulder. Enter Mom with a friend. Mom and friend witness the action).

Narrator: …just keep talking and act like you have no idea that it happened.

(Mom mumbling random things to friend)

Scene 8

Narrator: Brag. Every chance you get. Brag.

(Enter Mom with a friend)

Mom’s friend: I need to go tinkle. Come with me to the washroom?

Mom: Sure. Did you know my son stopped bedwetting at the age of nine? (Cross hands over heart and wipe a fake tear). 

(Mom’s friend looks at Mom with nasty facial expression).  

Scene 9

Narrator: Send your sick kid to school, parties, and sleepovers, whatever. You totally need a break from the vomit.

(Enter four children. Start having pillow fight).

Daughter: Yay this is so much fun!

(One child hits Daughter in tummy. Daughter fake pukes. Children start running around stage)

Scene 10

Narrator: Start a Twitter account for your unborn child.

(Enter Dad with a laptop)

Dad: “Your Hobbies”… hmm, "probably staying in my mother’s womb"!